You have probably guessed by now that my hair is somewhat less than optimal, hence the tirade. It is true; my hair has been slowly disappearing for many years. In the early stages it was barely noticeable, but as my forehead expanded, my kids started to giggle and point out the tonsure that was beginning to be noticeable. It’s easy at this stage, I told them that is was just my brain getting bigger pushing my hair away and I was going to become a super intelligent dad. Oh well it was worth a try!
The beard however remains, there is now as much salt as pepper in it now but I am still free of the fashionista’s obsession with scraping my face with sharp bits of metal. I have managed to hold on to a career without the clean shaved look. But as my pate begins to resemble Homer Simpson’s I can only look back at my days of hairiness with nostalgia and accepting my fate as a slap head.
But wait; is there a cure for creeping alopecia? Again the genius of our previously maligned chemists is advertising a solution. Until, that is, you read the small print, no guarantee it will work and you will have to re-apply the concoction regularly even if it does. I doubt if my credit rating could bear stress. I could try cosmetic surgery, but the thought of having skin plugs extracted from one part of my body inserted in another at an exorbitant cost is more than even my vanity can put up with. So I have resigned my balding pate to its shiny fate.
However, the worst was yet to come. As I aged and my hairline was developing a mind of its own another phenomena became evident; hair growth in the oddest of places. These new growths are not the soft silky structures so beloved of hairdressers but are dark, thick, stiff, and stubborn sproutings. These hideous emanations appeared in previously unblemished regions; in the eyebrows, up nostrils, on top of earlobes, even one on my nose! So this is where my keratin has gone! It’s been in hiding, poised under the skin in secret nooks and crannies ready to blossom, preparing their defences over the years, strengthening the roots and thickening the stems; it’s a conspiracy. These unwelcome guests have to be eradicated, but how?
It seems the scissors and the razor will have their victory in the end, only sharpened steel edges can deal with these new harbingers of age.
I despair, there is no escape. Oh woe is me.